I have a fervent wish to just snap and run away!!!

I know I am not the most unfortunate.

But logic dun rule here. I dun need reasoning to analyse to me that I hv the ability to handle my things. I dun need that nagging voice to remind me of all my responsibilities. I dun need that haughty tone to tell me of all the wonderful things and prestige I could achieve if I put my heart to it cos my heart isn't ready.

All I need is some genuine care and concern. A genuine shower of love for who I am and not wat I can achieve or wat I can become. Wat if I inherit a terminal illness? Wat if I become old and ugly? Wat if I get involved in an accident and become half-paralyse? Wat if I become blind? So would anyone love me for who I am and not chastise me for circumstances not within my control?

I wanna break away from work, from all my troubles. How long can I drag it... even if it is for some moments, some days, some months or years even, did it really help preserve my sanity?

Perhaps. Perhaps in a way that I had let down my dad & seemed useless to my relatives & superior had in an ironical way - preserve my sanity.

Because I know that in my days ahead, I will nida work VERY HARD. Hence my hesitations, my escape. I am so very afraid to lose my current personality to this mercenary world. I still remember very clearly somewhere '04 year end, D told me, "It's all about money isn't it? It all boils down to $$ is it not?"

Yes. I fear this so very much. It is a fear that chills me right down to my spine. I am so very afraid that it would make me lose my compassion. I am so very afraid to nida use material wealth to conform to this world's standard of success. Yet at the same time with a kid, I nida make sure he has a comfortable standard of living. I do not want my kid to be jeered at or bullied. I dun wanna him to feel down or outcasted just because he is not able to have wat he desire. If it is for my kid and responsibility, I nida make sure I achieve "SUCCESS".

I am a free bird. I desire freedom. At least this is in my character. That is even wat the fortune teller said so of me.

But I will no longer be free... I have my “责任”I nida carry. The pain is becos I desire freedom. If I dun, perhaps I will be happy. Perhaps I will nida change my whole personality and that is frightening.

And then I will be just like everyone else. Happy becos I have my 6cs. Happy becos of the branded stuffs I am able to afford. Happy becos of the luxurious trips I get. No love? Why... $$ can buy love?

Or am I to finally admit... where in the world is there actual love? Love DUN exist for me T.T

And then somewhere in da quiet nights... after all the fun and parties, I will think to myself: I have no true love. When all I want in the 1st place, is a happy family. I dun have one when I was growing one (though thru' the early growing up period, I did enjoy a period of safeness & security). When I married, a happy family was what I had been working so hard for, only to realize my partner was never with me, ending in a divorce (still processing)...

The pain of realization I've got to face. Is it a fact? Will I grow cold?

Happy Birthday Honey. You've just grown a year older. Time waits for no man. Bend or break.

Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break.

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So wat's your final decision?