Lethargic II

I think tt another thing tt is scaring me like hell is, I am unable to give anymore yet I am expected to. I am so broken and yet it's like the world is trying to rip every last pieces of me left without a tot for me. If ripping me down to my bare bones is not enuff, it's like they're prolly thinking of crushing & grinding my bones to powder for some other uses too.

Hence this feeling of being lethargic today, not caring, dun wanna care, dun wanna know... when no one cares enuff to reach out to me.

And when someone does, I wonder if it is becos he wants something out of me.

Perhaps it's only god who can love me unconditionally?

:( I dunno. I am just too afraid to be able to differentiate anymore.

I am feeling lethargic again today...

Yest, a guy held my hand. Well I guess he isnt the usual frivolous guy *not tt I mix ard with those kind a lot* so I was very afraid to lead him on. Anyway, he's found out yest tt I hv been married and hv a son. To my surprise, he actually said he would like to help take care of my son. In my mind, I was thinking, "this is madness!" I mean, I really dunno.. perhaps I hadnt date since many years or most likely, I m so so so very afraid of history repeating itself. I dunno him very well & it's been like the 3rd meet-up with him before he's asked me to be his gf. I tot it was all too fast & too superficial.

I am so very afraid of being in love.. though of cos I cant say I love him at all *luff* But it's been a while since I've been close to anyone of the opposite sex. I miss all those intimate moments too. But? LOL

Lifestyle wise, I think he seemed kinda boring up front. He's so passive, behaves like a monotone. I dun find him a turn off though.. this is very important to me I guess *perhaps in terms of intimate combustion ha! Havent been intimate with anyone for ages LOL!* But since my marriage, I m not gonna let chemistry just rule my heart this time cos I think living together wise would be on a total different scale. And I've just managed to get out of an emotional rut with my ehtb, y should I hurriedly submerge myself into another *potential harmful heart-wretching* relationship without looking right & left?

Well, if he is that decent & "nice", I wld be sorry to put it across tt all I am looking for is a non-commital relationship in which both parties wld still hv the rights to date around. I guess the main point is "I dun wanna be too SERIOUS". 1st of all, he doesnt seem to hv the pre-requisite requirements to support a family comfortably. He is not tt gentlemenly & seems to scrooge. He seems to be too clingy to mum. He cant even afford to go home late *tt's the best part =.=''* So... he's not even a domestic partner material to start with.

Wat I am upset now is, he now knows abt my status as a single mum & worse still, offers to help. Is it sincere? If it is, it hurts cos I know I cant reciprocate. To make things more complicated, I've also been trying to woo him... *nah dun get me wrong* as a client.

I want intimacy.. but not commitment.. but not just with any guy.. esp frivolous type.. but yet I want total freedom.. dun wanna be answerable to any form of possesion or jealousy *am sick of all that unfair commitment on my part*.. can all this be done?

I feel so dead today. Is like, am so close to feeling those kind of warmth all over again but I dun wanna mislead ppl. I dun feel like waking up. That is why i'd only woke up at abt 1.40pm. Had to cancel an appt with an ex-colleague. In fact, I virtually dun feel like doing anything at all. Eating seems mundatory without any joy of tasting again. I had to force myself to paint my finger nails. Then I just laze on the sofa with that dead fish look in my eyes...

But if anything, like I'd always said.. if I can actually make it to my computer to blog abt what I felt, I am fine to at least tt extent.

I WATCH "CLICK" YESTERDAY NITE

As usual, Adam Sandler was funneh... the only difference was, it's the 1st time in many months tt I've watch a movie with a guy I hardly knew. Met him for the 1st time. Well, he's not repulsive to say truth. But he aint tt gentlemanly either.

And as if repeating a scene fr my teen youth 8 years plus back, this guy comment on how I looked when I was watching the movie. "You looked sad when Adam's dad died," He observed.

Perhaps I've not been out enough with guys watching movies to have them commenting on how I looked & felt while watching certain scenes but that remark was enough to trigger the memory back then when another guy'd told me, "You looked scared when the monster jumped out" That was during the time when I had watch "Horizon" with him. I was 18. He was a colleague when we were both holding a temporary position as a flyer distributor at an aviation event. I still rmb he was 25 then, drove a car, wore specs and just balding ever so slightly near his forehead. He told me tt he was in a poly taking up some kinda chemistry eng course even though he was holding down a full time job then as well. Somehow or rather, I was turned off by tt remark of his. It was as if I was disgusted he had observed me without me being aware & cooly analysing me without my permission. Hence when he called me up at my home, I avoided him by telling him I wldnt be free to go out with him again (I was turned off & scared he wld asked me out!) & then I asked my bros not to tell him I was home! I avoided his call a few times & I guess he'd finally got the cue to stop calling.

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And today, when everyone's left the office at about 7pm plus, I am still here at time of typing this line at 11.41pm. Wasnt able to get anymore people to come out meet me up this evening as part of my job to try get prospects & yet dun feel like wanting to go home to eat my dinner there. Eating dinner out there by myself seems an unbearable idea too, so am still here. In fact some mins before this, I felt so bad that tears were streaming down my face & my heart ached. I wished there wld be someone tt wld ustand me. Know my loneliness & pain. I wld I cld just throw myself into someone to seek warmth but am no loose woman to just find anyone... not even tt guy fr last night even if he look decent. So this pain.. am feeling it all by myself.

A fren offered to call though & he did. He was much better than an online pal I had known over a year & a half. Tt online pal just talked nonsensical stuff to me again when I prompted him to speak *like I hv to nudge him twice in order for him to respond* sigh... =.=''

Well.. am much calmer now though the desire NOT to go home has yet to subside. I guess in a way, tt fren who called was right. Perhaps it was some memory.. though not of my ehtb tt was evoked to made me feel bad right now. Well at 12.03am (a new day already), am still in the office typing away. Actually, to be able to type up a blog wld means I m very much ok cos its a lot of effort too to put that dreaded feeling u're feeling into words. And if ur already feeling dread, you'd dread to do anything else...

I shd be fine =) Hehe.. still surviving..

The Next Picture Perfect.

Judging by the ultra down state I m in now, a little positive imagery wouldn't hurt.

Though it seems like nothing much can move me these days.

Am still standing foolishly in front of the furnace while my skin melts away. No one would be there to pull me off anyway. Not that I whined for anyone. It's like no one cares enough and I dun care too.

Well, well. Let's just kick start this topic won't we? It's amazing enuff that I'd managed to in key these words already. Currently.

Well, had escaped fr my 1st home away from all that parental & relatives' expectations only to land myself into a not so rosy marriage (no roses involved) which wasted me 7 years of my youth (coming 8 years). Had a child with him & ironically, at the moment seeking refuge from the very person I've been trying to break away from. My self-esteem has plummeted to zero point overnight & has not recovered since for the past two years. I feel like a zombie. In front of him (another him), it was as if my feelings dun matter any more than what I can do for him (which funnily enough, became my resentment to cause me the INCAPACITY to perform for him at all). I am like a body without a soul for these past months since the last straw (when the routine of fetching me to work was broken without a word).

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Kk, back to picture perfect.

Well, I've been married. Going thru' the goddamn process of divorce currently which is taking its own sweet time. Have officially lived apart from him since last year Oct end (9 months). Armed with only high school education since I've given up the pursue of further education in order to marry & support my new family that I've formed. So to be realistic, my picture perfect would not involved me attaining my masters by 26, or finding that perfect other half to go thru' a simple yet cosy wedding ceremonial of my choice (I had not much of a choice during that period of time & had no studio photos taken for my wedding; didn't feel particularly excited going thru my wedding but rather a process to complete - me think).

So my picture perfect would now involve myself, my son & my career. A home. =) I'd always wanted a complete home except this time, a man is out of the picture, that's all.

This is wat I envisage:

A neat, clean, elegant & airy 4-room flat. The living room has a nice flat plasma tv, 2 couches to curl up upon, a coffee table (dunno wat u call it) and is accessible by all in the family (namely my son, me & the maid). My son has finished his homework & is now watching the channel 8 drama which in turns help him improve his Chinese language. I have just arrived home from work & have gotten some necessary things for the household plus some little gifts for the family. The maid is cleaning up the table cos dinner time is over & has cut some fruits. I turned to hug & kiss my son to ask how his day was. Upon which, my maid's came out from the kitchen to place the freshly cut plate of fruits on the table. I asked her if everything had been alright throughout the day I was not home and she updated me accordingly. My son has suggested us to play a board game so all three of us gets ourselves involved in it while watching tv at the same time together, altogether...

Updated 03/08/06: My son, me & my maid will have our own personal room ea. In case of guest staying overnight, my maid will be emptying out her room for guest to stay (her room will also be furnished elegantly with all the necessities (: ) while she will move in to sleep with me. I will hv a personal computer and a tv in my own room. My son will also have his own personal comp (to be placed either in his room or a designated area in living room). He can do his homework on our dining table while watching tv if he wants to. I will have a family car for the ease of fetching my child and maid to wherever we want to go. The car will also come in handy when we go to the grocery store for our weekly groceries purchase. The boot of the car will be able to fit in many of the bulky items we've got & saves us the energy to carry them home on sheer human efforts. The car will have my child's favorite toys and a mini tv for all to enjoy. There will be mini pillows at my back car seats for ppl to use in case if they shd feel tired and need one to prop up their heads with.

Imma Vagabond at Heart