二十六岁的愿望？

Met up with the longest old-time friend I had ever known yesterday ~ known her since pre-kindergarten days...

Oh gosh! Soon we'll both be hitting 30!!! Her birthday is also within the same month as mine =)

But she said, "Well, at least you've gone through the certain routines of life... as in you've married & have a child."

Yea... & soon be divorcing as well. =.='' Certainly gone through some "life". Mum's passed away too...

"So what is your birthday wish for 26?" she asked.

Geez... not sure... maybe for a good career? Like wat you've said, I have been married, I've got a nice kid. Prolly it's down to my career now in order to maintain my family & a source of my life's focus.

"Well, good luck to you then." she said.

---

Read another 棽凱倫 novel yesterday. (wahaha? Just for laughs time again?)

Most stories ended with a "fairy-tale" ending of course! But there was this one particular short story titled “默默的祝福”which kinda disturbed me.

The story started off telling about the wife of a popular artiste, tired of travelling around with her husband all over the globe & fighting for his attention against his fans & his personal manager.

She went to a restaurant & chanced upon the boss there who helped her. He had a pregnant wife & two daughters. He felt lonely & frustrated becos his wife focussed all her attention & energy to their two children while ignoring him totally, giving him too much trust & "freedom".

As it was, the two lonely souls got together...

Well, the ending was that the male lead's wife found out about her husband's affair thru her own mother. After a talk with her mother, she also realized that she had been neglecting her husband too much. She went to where the female lead lived & had a very sincere talk with her. The female lead decided to withdraw. Hence, she pretended to "go back" to her own husband & told the male lead that she did not care for him anymore as their relationship was never based on love (which was not true as humans develop feelings over a period of time) but lust in the 1st place. She had to act 绝 to the male lead in order to have a clean break with him as she had promised his wife. Else it is very common in these kinda relationship to be “藕断丝连”。

---

:S

Arrggghhhh! Love?

I really wonder wat is love to me these days...

Well if it is a marriage, I definitely cannot withstand infidelity within a marriage. I expect trust & fulfilment of promises. Communications & efforts are vital here too! If you say an open marriage... y get married in the 1st place?

Which brings me to the topic of a domestic relationship...

Well... I guess I m fine with it so long as there's no double standards and both parties have made clear wat the rules are before hand. My rule would prolly be the freedom to withdraw anytime haha... >:)

Cos these days, 还有多少痴情好男人*plus 有志气和生活方向感的男人*存在？Maybe there still are some, but I dun happen to see them & such love would never happen to me *boo hoo*

And I ABSOLUTELY DETEST married men or guys who are attached to try get fresh with ladies...

Oh well, I haven't been in the dating game much since I married young. Guess if I am back in the "open market" again, I shd be more open to flirty or rather "friendly" gestures & not be turned off by them since I am no longer bounded by the marriage rules *imo* now. It doesnt have to lead to anything anyway if I dun wish to. Perhaps I shd change my friendster status profile to "Dating men, relationship men" instead of just "friends & activity partners". Wahaha... (feels so odd)

I do miss all that hugs & kissings & stuffs, but problem is, would I just do it with anybody? Cos not right?

Maybe I should go out more & meet more guys =.='' (no matter how lazy I feel or against all my feelings of reluctance)

And then all that is supposed to make me happier right?

RIGHT. With all the free dinners, lunches & drinks. And not to mention companionship *be it desirable or not* wahahaha... (See? That's the thing I dread. To have to constantly think of excuses to ward off or turn down someone. To be obliging at times. :S Drats!)

大长今完美大结局！！！~Exhilaration~

OMG! OMG!!!

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 大长今to bits!!!

How lovely! To be able to practise what she love (行医术）& have such a lovely family! To be with the man she love the most dearly & be loved in return... *一切都是值得的*

*好谢慕哦*

我要快乐

Click to hear song


又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓 当做成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点著
味道却淡了

我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有

我要快乐 我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了 才温暖 离开了 才不恨 我早应该割舍
我要快乐 哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的 全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的 (我的决定是对的）

把从前想了一遍
谢谢了
伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声
听了都不冷

~ 张惠妹

爸爸的第二春...

Yesterday was father's day.

Now my father very ma fan one. I heard fr my youngest bro that he had turned down his invitation for a dinner to celebrate (why hadnt my bro inform me abt this before hand? *a wee bit annoyed* Oh well, I know my family... )

Well, as I am working for him & earning his $$, plus with all my own necessary expenditure, I am sure it would be disagreeable to him if I buy him anything expensive (which I dun hv the ability to anyway). To get him a shirt? Doesnt seemed sincere enuff when he cld hv done so himself. A tie for him is impractical as he seldom wear tie, not even to wedding dinners.

Well, I went Orchard to collect my dress anyway (perfect fit! now when can I & will I wear it?). After my solo dinner, I went browsing around & came to the photoframe section. I saw a green photoframe which looked like that of a wallet. You could open it up to position it on ur table as a photoframe or just button it up like a wallet if you would like to carry it around with you. I tot this was the perfect gift for daddy as I could slot in 2 mini wallet size pictures of our whole family (my 1st immediate family). It cost just under $8. Then I just bought a matted gold wrapping paper, scotch-tape & a gift ribbon to complete my father's day gift to my dad.

Back home, my 二弟 was just about to report back to camp. So the part about making a self-made card & getting my two other bro to sign on it fell thru. Nvm then. I searched my own album & fished out a photo taken featuring my dad, my son & me. Photo 1 ok! I sneaked into my dad's room while he went to the living room & got our family albums out. The best available picture (target area must be of around 6x8cm or so to fit) of our family together was taken many years back (of cos it nid to be the time when my mum was alive to take the picture), my youngest bro (in his late teens now) was then about 3 yrs old or so :O Hence, my 2 photos were settled!

After which, I just cut the pictures out to their necessary sizes, fit them into the frame, button up the wallet photo frame, put it back into its box & wrapped it up with the gold wrapping paper. I wrote, “父亲节快乐！”on the gift cover and pasted the shiny gold gift ribbon at the left side of the gift. Ta-da! All done! I presented to my dad his gift at about just a little after 11pm. I had to knock his room door as he was in his room. He opened the door after some moments. He was wrapped with bath towel at his waist (about to bathe or just finish bathe?) I just told him, "This is for you. *pause* Open it up to see!" He took the gift then close the door.

---

This morning, I went back to my dad's room to return the 2 photo albums I sneaked out from his room last night. I looked thru the other albums he had there. Those taken with his SECOND family & of which I had no participation in. Many lovely photos & of my dad & his family smiling. He had a pair of fracternal twins with the lady (one boy, one gal). I do not know wat exactly happen to cause the split between my dad & his second wife but thru these photos, at least I noe he once had the "family" feel again with his second family. I hope he had savoured it while it lasted...

---

Family...


Family...


I had once taken a tickle test. It says my family is my deepest kept secret. I love my family but I could not live up to the expectations of my dad, mum & relatives because of wat had happened in my life. I am a rebel at certain points too. I do not like ppl pushing me around. The smile you see on my face is just the calm before a storm... haha...

---

I had never minded about my dad taking on a new wife after my mum's death. Neither do I think my bros minded either. I think it was a silent unanimous consent that all siblings just wanted my dad to be happy. I wonder wat is the hoo-ha over my relatives' side being so "concern" about us objecting to my dad finding his happiness (even though in the end it didnt last). Prolly they were having their own debates amg the relatives themselves? I couldnt care less...

---

At least, 我们都曾经拥有。

快乐，要继续寻找。 快乐，要努力地维持。

伶。

My baby boy, my m'sian relatives...

I had another dream today...

I dreamt of my m'sian relatives (those on my mother's side). I dreamt of my son but in this dream he was less than a year old. I carried him & he was so light. I think prolly its becos of carrying my friend's 2 yr old daughter only few days before that influenced me to dream of my boy this way.

My boy's got himself a plate of freshly cut apples. I told him to wash his hands before eating but my instructions seems to hv fallen on deaf ears. As he was running towards to climb up the stairs (influenced by my dad's house?), I came to him & toppled over the plate of fruits he was holding. I told him: no wash hands, cannot eat fruits. I was disciplining him in my dream.

Ah Ong uncle came over or something & then, he was carrying my boy & playing with him somewhere...

---

I fanthom it must hv been the scare last night I hv had to cause me to hv this dream.

At abt 8pm yesterday, my maid called up my ehtb's place of residence. She asked for my child becos he had been with my ehtb since Monday evening. His step-father picked up the phone & said crudely & impatiently, "He's not around. He's not around. Got big prob here!" With that, he hung up on my maid!

My maid informed me while I was still wolfing down my dinner. I break away fr my meal & sat beside my maid as she called the place again but this time asking for my ehtb. It was my ehtb's youngest bro this time who pick up the phone. His voice was very soft & quiet according to my maid. My maid asked where my ehtb was. He told her that my son & him went out early in the morning & had not been back since and he doesnt know where they went. Now, my ehtb's phoneline's been terminated & with wat his step-father had just said, how cld I not worry? As it was, I could not contact my ehtb at all again in a different fashion yesterday :S

Finally I heaved a sigh of relief as he msg me at abt 11.30pm to say he wld return my son back to me on the upcoming Thurs & that he wld confirm the time wif me on the day before on Wed itself. He told me that this was a temp number he was using for his hp...

---

日有所思，夜有所梦？

Prolly is my dream telling me that I miss my son & my helpful & resourceful relatives in Malaysia?

T.T

Worries, fears... am I worrying for nth? But there were the things that had happened which I cld not believe my eyes & ears... I am in constant look-outs so as to prevent undesirable happenings. I may not be the greatest mother. I may not be able to profess my love the way my child likes me to. But at the very least, I do make sure my boy's basic necessities are met. I dun want any untowards things to happen to him. I have witnessed how my ehtb's family was like & I know my ehtb's lack of communication even on matters that warrant attention. I wish I cld tell myself not to worry since I'm so far away fr em, dunno where they are, cant do anything abt it & cant contact my ehtb too. But I am so very afraid of any bombshell that may land on me like wat I've experienced b4. Once bitten, twice shy. Whatsmore, I've been bitten more than once. I am very tired too :'(

Counsellor says: Do not feel guilty.

Hiaz... 无奈？

Every Breathe You Take...

By Robert Downey Jr. & Sting

逃走，也要有逃走的价值

刚收看完“大长今”的最后第四集。

在更早前，闵郑浩大人曾试图与长今远走高飞，但却又因为国事而放下儿女私情，折回宫廷。

---

我想，若他们真的舍弃一切逃走了，想必一定很努力地维持家计，过着简单、幸福的日子。

---

我也曾和你逃走了，却一点也没有这逃走的价值。

I too, once ran away with you.

但这逃走所开拓的未来，你可曾珍惜？

But had you ever cherish the opportunity we had?

I Didn't Start the Fire ~ XD

Saw this interesting blog title popping up as I logged into my blog, so I clicked on it.

Then I found a picture & an interesting poem on one of the author's entries:


[Painting by Joan Miro, Ladders Cross the Sky in a Wheel of Fire]

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby,
Edgy and dull, and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul.

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet,
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head.

Only you can cool my desire,
I'm on fire.

~Bruce Springsteen

The Blog: I DIDN'T START THE FIRE
The actual article: I DIDN'T START THE FIRE

出来是好的！

Went to an ex-colleague & now collegue again's place... (haha.. well, that friend is once again my colleague)

Her younger daughter of age 2 took a liking to me immediately despite wat I had heard fr my friend before that she dun really get close to people. Her older daughter of age 4 liked me too.

Then her younger daughter wrapped her arms around my left leg and call me "mummy..."
:S Her sister reported that to my friend. I am sure my friend's offended. Not my fault though haha...

That younger daughter of hers is soooooo cute. She's a 2 yr old but looks like one plus. Chubby face, big head & small body. Walks in a wobbly way that you cant help but fear that she might fall as she takes another step, but phew... she's just managed. Hair with some natural curls that crops just below her chin & frames her cute, innocent looking baby face. Doesnt speak much but points at things to make you understand wat she wants. =)

Then as I depart fr her place, I saw a familiar face at ard the coffee shop. It was our "R" 公子 from the office! ^_^ The guy with him looks familiar too. They were a bunch of three (2 men & a lady) and were just abt to leave. I managed to get a free ride to the nearest MRT instead of having to take the bus fr "M" guy. Weeeeee!

This reminds me of the episode when I got myself a free ride in the taxi when I was rushing in the rain to my child's school a few months before. The taxi driver had offered to drive me out to the nearest bus-stop where I was to take a bus to my boy's school. But when he found out that my kid's school is only abt 2 bus-stop away (though it's further than ur typical feeder bus stops' count), he offered to drive me there for free. And he's even driven right into the school's shelter area so that I could alight nearer to the general office & without wetting myself!

---

Just applied for a Provisional Driving License earlier on in the afternoon. The eye test turns out to be rather easy peasy ~ just peer straight into some "microscope-like" thingy, answer 4 simple questions the admin staff at the counter ask of you & you've passed! I had tot it was majiam ur primary school eye test exam with a stern-looking nurse holding a pointer and then hving to look at some complicated color-spotted book to identify whether you're colour-blind or not. I guess, technology has made things so much easier. Now I just nida start to learn how to drive & pass my driving test! Wish me lotsa luck! ^_^

给我爱

作词：陈家丽 作曲：郑知明

阳光照得很苍白 芬芳的花都不开
你说凭感觉去爱 没有人愿意等待

天空已经不灿烂 美丽的鸟不飞来
我害怕凭感觉去爱 幸福消失得太快

给我爱 要说的明白
给我爱 要看得出来

感觉不可能永远存在 到时候谁该微笑走开
这样算不算真心对待 难免有一点悲哀

~ 苏慧伦

Click here to listen to song

Am facing the furnace but not feeling the heat :O

I am standing right in front of a furnace of explosive heat.

It's melting my skin.

But I dun feel anything!

Help lar... someone knock some sense into me please to do something abt it!

I froze

I freeze when everyone wants a piece of me.

Now this is bad when I have tons of matters & responsibilities to clear. :(

It is the rage within me that binds me no matter whether in the 1st place, I hv the capability to settle my matters or not. It is the rage that restricts this capacity. Without this capacity, all abilities are rendered useless cos I wont budge.

RAGE ~ I am angry too. >:( In fact, MORE reasons to be angrier than you.

I have a fervent wish to just snap and run away!!!

I know I am not the most unfortunate.

But logic dun rule here. I dun need reasoning to analyse to me that I hv the ability to handle my things. I dun need that nagging voice to remind me of all my responsibilities. I dun need that haughty tone to tell me of all the wonderful things and prestige I could achieve if I put my heart to it cos my heart isn't ready.

All I need is some genuine care and concern. A genuine shower of love for who I am and not wat I can achieve or wat I can become. Wat if I inherit a terminal illness? Wat if I become old and ugly? Wat if I get involved in an accident and become half-paralyse? Wat if I become blind? So would anyone love me for who I am and not chastise me for circumstances not within my control?

I wanna break away from work, from all my troubles. How long can I drag it... even if it is for some moments, some days, some months or years even, did it really help preserve my sanity?

Perhaps. Perhaps in a way that I had let down my dad & seemed useless to my relatives & superior had in an ironical way - preserve my sanity.

Because I know that in my days ahead, I will nida work VERY HARD. Hence my hesitations, my escape. I am so very afraid to lose my current personality to this mercenary world. I still remember very clearly somewhere '04 year end, D told me, "It's all about money isn't it? It all boils down to $$ is it not?"

Yes. I fear this so very much. It is a fear that chills me right down to my spine. I am so very afraid that it would make me lose my compassion. I am so very afraid to nida use material wealth to conform to this world's standard of success. Yet at the same time with a kid, I nida make sure he has a comfortable standard of living. I do not want my kid to be jeered at or bullied. I dun wanna him to feel down or outcasted just because he is not able to have wat he desire. If it is for my kid and responsibility, I nida make sure I achieve "SUCCESS".

I am a free bird. I desire freedom. At least this is in my character. That is even wat the fortune teller said so of me.

But I will no longer be free... I have my “责任”I nida carry. The pain is becos I desire freedom. If I dun, perhaps I will be happy. Perhaps I will nida change my whole personality and that is frightening.

And then I will be just like everyone else. Happy becos I have my 6cs. Happy becos of the branded stuffs I am able to afford. Happy becos of the luxurious trips I get. No love? Why... $$ can buy love?

Or am I to finally admit... where in the world is there actual love? Love DUN exist for me T.T

And then somewhere in da quiet nights... after all the fun and parties, I will think to myself: I have no true love. When all I want in the 1st place, is a happy family. I dun have one when I was growing one (though thru' the early growing up period, I did enjoy a period of safeness & security). When I married, a happy family was what I had been working so hard for, only to realize my partner was never with me, ending in a divorce (still processing)...

The pain of realization I've got to face. Is it a fact? Will I grow cold?

Happy Birthday Honey. You've just grown a year older. Time waits for no man. Bend or break.

Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break. Bend or break.

---

So wat's your final decision?

又一个扰人心绪的梦... 妈妈,你会在我身旁轻抚我的脸吗?

I dreamt abt going back to the jewelry line. But it seemed that I was reluctant to go back to this line. There was some misfit abt uniform or rather I felt very awkward with my attire for work. This was not the 1st time I had dreamt of being back in the jewelry biz. I dreamt abt it last month too. And perhaps before that.

I dreamt abt looking for a flat or thinking abt my housing. I was walking among the old flats with my kid above the mall or something. At first I tot the area was rather dilapidated, but on closer look, the flats looked like quite some spacious & airy 3-room flats and the mall was even ard the corner. A worthy consideration. Hmm...

The alarm clock rang off to wake me up at before 8am. I pressed the temporary "shut off" key so that it would ring every 5 minutes.

Mother... would you be by my side and comfort me as if a caring mother would do for a daughter? Please? My memory of you when I was young was that you were very fierce. My first taste of your gentleness was during secondary school days... but few years later, you went away.

Who is to love me and SINCERELY give me the support I so badly need?

Yes?

星期二早上，我又梦见了你...

I dreamt of my ehtb again today :S

Dunno whether it is due to the effects of me re-telling my story to another counsellor yesterday with the updated fact that he might hv been unfaithful to me, cos this was how my dream went:

We were in a dimly-lit house (like a four/five room flat or something). It seemed that our marriage was already not going on well. We couldn't care less about ea other. The maid was there somehow but our child was not in this dream. It seemed that I had just gotten wind of you having other relationships with other girls (a few others at one go! One of your girlfriends was in the house too. She came right up to our house looking for you.) and there was this girl call "Nicoltt" on the phone wif u or something. While you were on da phone, the maid and I went to answer a doorbell. It turned out to be a guy friend that I had known and I chatted happily with him for a short while. He was just a normal friend though. But as soon as you had put down your call and I had just sent him off at the doorway, you came furiously to me demanding to know my friend's whereabt and even checking beneathe the bed in a bedroom to see if my friend was there. I felt disgusted and incredulous because I had done nothing wrong and the fact was that you were unfaithful before me, what grounds do you have to check upon me instead???

As I left the house walking down the stairs and through the corridor, I saw my maid attending to your other girlfriend who came by just now. She was in a white bath tub crying. She was very upset to discover that you had other girlfriend/s. I told my maid that it's okay and that I would settle this girlfriend myself and that she could return back to her household chores. I felt no blame towards this young girl at all but felt pity for her instead. I carried her up like how the prince carried his Snow White and we headed towards the bus stop. It was as if she needed some comfort and made no resistance. Then, she wanted me to help her with something (I cant rmb) which I thought was out of my league cos I had already been so benevolent as to want to see her home safely.

Then I woke up but went off to sleep again in hope of a better dream to erase off the effects of this bad dream. :S

---

My counsellor said: "You've got to take his words with a pinch of salt. His words have been weighing down on you & its affecting you. Nobody can be the perfect mother. There is no yardstick to measure if this is the right way to parent. He has his way of parenting and you have yours. You will only be stressing your ownself if you try to handle everything at one go. Do not feel guilty if you need a break. The wrong conception that most single parent have is to place the child first. You need to take care of yourself first so that you can shoulder the load of taking care of your whole family. Your sanity is very important here!"

不要跟我说复杂的事

我：


不喜欢成天坐下来听太玄的事情。

不干我的事，我也不太爱理会。

最新的潮流，最in的科技，如我没这闲情、功夫与金钱去参与，我也宁可“无知”，做“时尚白痴”。

---

我：


喜欢随性做自己想做和爱做的事。

不喜欢被人牵绊。

也没有想束缚任何人的心念。

我最大的愿望，就是有个温馨，美满的家。大家彼此照应、相亲相爱的那种。

---

爱情:
如果要来，应该会来吧？在我偶尔沮丧的路途上...

伤:
就让它慢慢的复合。虽然对我来说，不是件容易的事。

方向:
就让我在“社会大学”里自习：跌了倒，再爬起来；哭过了以后，辨清真伪，一而再、再而三地调整我的人生方向，然后冲刺！

希望:
不可以！绝对、绝对不可以放弃呀！
因为希望是我存活全部的理由！！！如果人间没有希望，生不如死。

---

这就是如假包换的我。嘻！

Pretty Dresses Makes a Princess :)

Went Orchard yesterday to look for an outfit to wear for my birthday (its coming :)

Had the idea of getting myself a nice dress but which? I decided to go Orchard only because I rmbed a particular shop (cant even bother to rmb the shop name) at Wisma had some mannequins adorned in outfits which I tot looked elegant and were suitable for my age & figure. I have always an affinity for dresses. But cos I had not update my wardrobe for a while, many of the short dresses I had were too cute & sweet for my age. :S I still rmb handing over a checked baby pink & white babydoll dress with small "roses" adorning the neckline to a fren of mine to be passed down to her niece. I had loved that dress soooooooo much (I only handed her the dress in yr 2004). I still recalled wearing it when I was holding my baby at age 18 and the passer-bys looked on at me in shock as if I were an unwed mother or not a mother at all xD lawl! Sigh... but it'll only be a few more yrs before I touch 30, those saccharine sweet dresses just do not look right on me anymore...

Well, I went to that particular shop. The outfits I saw on that those mannequins had long been changed to other outfits of cos! Well, those on the mannequins I tot wasnt so suitable for my ideal dress/outfit for my birthday. I did see a nice black dress though. Very figure hugging and DEFINITELY very womanly (shows up all your curves and being black, looks very alluring). But that wasnt wat I had in mind either (I would prefer something more on the white colour side; to look sweet, refreshing and magnanimous rather than ultra sexy)... I would love to buy that though, but I had a budget of only $100 in mind and could not afford to splurge on that, so I moved on.

Well I went to a few stores to browse around. I saw some white dresses (in baby doll style again :S). I just kept them in check at the back of my mind cos I didnt just want another typical white dress again (I have quite some white dresses already & was wondering whether it wld be another pure white dress I'll be getting for myself this time yet again@.@) I saw a magenta dress in the window that look kinda special. Didn't really have the "feel" for this dress but I went in to check whether they hv that in white color or not. The girl told me no and also they dun hv the dress in S size anymore. I tot it was a pity and since that dress was only priced at $40+++, it wld be a good buy if they hv dat in white and my size. Cos usually dresses wld cost at least $70 bucks or so (at the malls).

Then I went into Isetan, I saw another white dress again. It was also another short dress as it crops above the knee with wat I fondly refer to as THE Greek style (cos of the shoulder straps & neckline). The fabric & the design on the fabric was to my liking. It had 3 "diamonds" for buttons just above the breast area (quite a dip to the breast area; a v neckline) and was very low-back (it bares your back to just a little above the waist). Then there was another tube dress I saw. It was white but had pink lace just below the waist. I tried on the 2 outfits.

In the end, I decided to go for the tube dress. 1st of all was becos I didnt just want another straight cut baby doll dress (the skirt of the tube dress was flared). 2ndly, I wasnt that confident to bare that much of my back and it didnt look like an outfit I could wear very often. It looks a tad too occasion-like yet not classy enuff for formal wear because its a short baby doll dress. I chose the tube dress becos it looks sweet yet magnanimous (just the look I wanted for my birthday). I also bought a short sleeved white knitted cardigan to throw upon my bare shoulders when I would be wearing this dress "just in case". I sent the tube dress for tightening of the elastic band just above the breasts "just in case" as well xD

Then I bought a pair of white platform sandals to match that short dress too. Total expenditure clocked to just a little below $104. My whole birthday look was established. =)

I also managed to buy another 2 more hankerchieves at another Isetan store. Its so hard to find nice hankerchieves these days. Even Isetan dun carry much of them ard for quite a while. Anyway, I was happy to find a knitted hanky that is of dark grey and white. The fact that it is knitted makes it all the more special and I was glad to own this find.

Hmm.. birthday plans then? :S Gosh... none as yet. Then am I to wear so pretty to go have dinner all by myself on my birthday???

We'll see.

Affirmation

Last Sunday (04/06/06), I found out some things from my old fren.

My FIRST affirmation IN MY F A C E.

But well, I've learnt another valuable lesson. Sometimes, you need not have concrete evidence for yourself to act. Cos its just so hard to prove sometimes (esp. when the other party's been meaning to hide) but trust your gut feelings that has been nudging you on and off instead. Don't wave the signs away - like me T.T

I had finally "found" wat I was looking for. He did attempt (attempts? xD)to stray.
And most likely, he did stray on several occasions while feeding me with lies, false declarations & misleads.

So hell, I was "supposed" to feel remorseful for asking after an opposite sex whether he had had his meal or not on da net (and he's not even living in S'pore at that!?! =.='') This is just the Chinese way of asking after another person. What's the great big deal and wat rights do YOU hv to make a fuss over?

I comprehend now that you are most prolly 心虚. And you were afraid I might do the same to you. Hence you check my handphone consistently, recorded down all my numbers and frens in my phone, check my messages. At the same time, you spoke bad about other philanderers and telling me that I was the ONLY girl you would go for. That it was silly to stray and that you were the most afraid of sexual disease, so how wld u do that right? You even told me of your buddies, how they tried to get you to go into the red-light district but you wldnt cos you were "Mr Nice Guy". You told me of your fren in our early days of marriage who had "one love but many needs". You "disapprove" of him before me. While working at the same company, you even "lay the foundation" by telling me that there was this particular girl who was just being too "friendly" with you and that you were afraid my colleagues wld come tell me that you had "something" with her, cos they went to the same training arena with you.

Once, I found a piece of condom in your wallet (we dun use that for our contraceptive practice). I asked you for an explanation, you just told me it happened to be there. That it was totally nothing about it.

Affirmation. Wasnt that wat I wanted? :( I guess, I just needed to know the truth. My mind would not let my gut have its say cos it thinks this way: "innocent unless proven guilty". Perhaps even my heart is in denial too? Though a fren told me, isnt his lack of job bad enuff for you to leave him?

Yea, and his promises-breaking, lying, procrastination...

Well, dat day,

I had 100% seen his true colors.

Perhaps that was wat I really wanted: to see a man whom I had once acknowledged "husband" in his true colors, not wat he proclaim himself to be.

All the lies you've told, YOU LIAR

---

Bananarama - I Heard A Rumour



Who needs friends who never show
I'll tell you what you wanna know
I could have saved a broken heart
If I'd found out long ago

Chorus 1:
I'm just thinking about
Those lonely nights
When I waited for your call
'Til I found out
All my friends were right, ooh, ooh
I didn't know you at all

Chorus 2:
I heard a rumour
Ooh, ooh, I heard a rumour
They say you got a broken heart
I heard a rumour
Ooh, ooh, yes I did, boy
I heard a rumour, ooh

Now it seems they're telling me
You've changed your wicked ways
But should I give you a second chance
Baby, I'm too afraid

So you realize what hurt you made
And the love you threw away
How can I forgive or soon forget
It's never gonna be the same

(repeat chorus 2 twice)

(repeat chorus 1)

(repeat chorus 2, 3 times to fade)