To life, with apathy

Maybe it's the trauma. Of all what I've been thru before. I'm too scared to try in case I fall again. So much so that I dun wanna risk myself. AT ALL. So much so that even a damp, stuffy, mouldy unhealthy shell I'm withdrawing into seems a better place than anywhere else, that I wld be contented to idle the rest of my days there. In reality it's not of cos. But how cld I make myself hv any zest for life at all? How so when I'm looking at all those "good things in life" with apathy? Why dun they move me?

Peace. Afterall I've been thru I seek nth but peace. That's not asking for a lot aint it? What are the conflicting messages within me? Why can't I hv the world? What is still unresolved? I need to find out.

Apathy

Sometimes, I wish very much to slap myself into reality and actions.

What has really got into me? Is it really the house and its feng shui?

In the night, I felt it was a pity to sleep as that wld mark the end of the day altogether and somehow, an auto mechanism within me refuse to allow me rest. Then I wld keep myself occupied until almost day break till which I wld be too tired to wake up in the day. I wld refuse to wake up at all out of exhaustion and perhaps the biggest reason of all, fear. Fear to start a brand new day. I shrink away from the hectic, traumatic day and seek the peace of the night. But this is no decent way to carry on my existence as I tire my own self out amounting not only to nothing, making myself a useless bummer and earning me despise from not only others but myself nonetheless.

I know I need care and concern. Genuine, sincere love. But I know I can't get it at hand.

But I can't let myself get stuck in a vicious cycle nonetheless right?

Why dun you do something?

我. . . ，们？

我和你。

你曾经是那么地喜欢我，难道这感觉已不在了吗？

正当我领情时，转过头想向你回应时，是否已太迟？

会有 我 . . . 们 的这一天吗？

我和你。

我们？

Right now,

there's only one name on my mind. ONE person.

I've been thinking a lot about you lately, wondering how you are, how's your day been and how are you feeling.

Am I finally in love?

Yea... I dun proclaim my love easily. I dun go around telling people "I love you" you know? I wonder if you would be the second guy I cld seriously have a r/s with.

I'm thinking of you as I type this.

I wonder...

do we have any chance at all?

How wld it feels like...

to hug you??






What's your view of me now? In what kind of light are you looking at me and where do i stand in your heart?

My mind's a blank...

I realized for the past few days that it seems odd that I still hadn't had my period.

The possibility suddenly hit me.

Gosh? Am I pregnant?

I didnt feel as if I was. But going by the funny discharge I had and becos I didnt record the days I had period on a calendar anymore, it could be much longer than i realized that I've missed my period. This is also another bad point abt the discontinuation of contraceptives. But the plus point is that it would be a good rest for my womb. Anything artificial is not as good for the body.

Though to be pregnant would be a worst nightmare come true (i even had nightmare on this before), there's nothing else to do but to find out whether I am or not before i can take further actions.

So today, I went to the pharmacy to get the test kit. I was puzzled over the words "one test" and "two tests" stated on the boxes, so i grab the kit that says "two tests" just to be doubly sure. Turn out that "two tests" actually means that there are two kits in the box. Oh well, I can keep the other as it only expires August 2008.

The result is negative. Phew!

I swear I'm never gonna engage in sex again with anyone whom I am not sure I can see a future with.

So True...

I've learned - That you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned - That no matter how much you care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned - That it takes years to build up trust, but only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned - That it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned - That you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned - That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.

I've learned - That it's not what happens to us that's important. It's what we do about it.

I've learned - That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned - That no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

I've learned - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned - That it may be easier to react than to plan ahead, but it's much less effective.

I've learned - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned - That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, passion fades and there had better be something stronger to take its place.

I've learned - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned - That learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned - That there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned - That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned - That maturity has more to do with the experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned - That no matter how badly your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned - That background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned - That your life can be changed in a matter of seconds by people who don't even know you.

I've learned - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned - That the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

this thing call... LOVE

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him/her, feel honored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain.

How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he/she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.

Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.

Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. There is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love.

They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying.

You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.

Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live in your life even for awhile...

My Man

Mr A. Is it Mr A?

He's been consistent. He keeps his promises. He is humble. He's down to earth. He knows his rights. He's kind. He's patient when I want to speak even though he does not instinctively catch my vibes on what I want to do. I do not expect a super sensitive human being anyway but I do want a kind, gentle soul.

Refer to my earlier post by clicking here.

Are you my man? Are you what I've been looking for all along even when I hvnt the fuzziest idea of what I really want? Shd I stop my search for that ultimate one for you? It is afterall so much easier to settle down to something stable. Are you the one for me to dedicate my soul to? Are you the one for me?

If I entrust myself to you,
let it be once and for all.

Am I missing anything?

It’s true that we don’t know what we have until we’ve lost it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

So... has it arrive?

Apparently not. At least not as yet, cos I hvnt the slightest feeling on any addition in mah life that I had been missing out.

Giving someone all that your love is no assurance that they’ll love you back!! Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart, but if it doesn’t, be content it grew in yours.

This is yet another quote abt life i hv yet to experience. It's either that I hv been too much of a frog in a well, wrapping up myself in a cocoon to experience the real joy of liking someone whole-heartedly initially on my own part, else I must hv been too defensive to be able to do so or that i had simply not met anybody deserving of my attention besottedly.

Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it only takes a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Find the one who makes your heart smile.

Yea, he's made me smile. But he has shattered my heart more.

It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Well, it's definitely taken me more than a day to love someone. I dun just LOVE someone in a day. As for the part abt forgetting, shd i say it's more like getting over. Some days Imma doing fine but some days I do miss him terribly.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

Yup. Example, my mum. And him... too.

And much more meaningful quotes:

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in life until you forget your past failures and heartaches.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before we meet the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often time we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one, which has been opened for us.

The best kind of friend is the one that you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way.

I miss him (my exHtb). Few brushes with intimacy and still feel for the last person with that intimacy but...

Mr R. It is definitely not gonna be you. You're not for me. After that outburst on last Tues (09/01/07), you've shown me another side of you I prolly wouldn't see had I been so agreeable, lovey dovey & went ahead with wat you want instead of sticking by my principals. It's totally shocked me but I guess it's all for the better anyway.

Like wat you've also agreed with me on our second date, "I know it takes time =)" I cld still remember your understanding smile (well, it looks understanding at that point of time). If you could remember that is. On our second date, within the privacy of ya car at a lone carpark, you took mah hands and looked me into the eyes and said this, "I am asking you officially to be my girlfriend." I was hesitant. How can anyone know for sure that soon? His reason to me was how cld you explain love? Prior to that, he's also said things like: "I wanna take care of you. I'm serious." And then he's also said, "Look. There's this exhibition on a ship. I want to take you there before it is over. Let's do all sorts of fun happening activities together ok?" And he'd chuckle his usual cheeky smile.

And look what happened? He never did bring me to that exhibition. It was long over. I knew him last Nov '06 btw.

Then last Tues before I hopped off his car, I rmb distinctively what he's said, "I never did want a permanent girlfriend anyway." What the??@!

Helloooo...! No doubt I had been the one saying I'm not ready to commit and all. That I dun wanna be exclusive as yet. But changing ya stand to me sounds like wat you've told me initially were nothing more than trying to lure me in to getting what you want - ya bonk in bed. So this ya true colours afterall?

Yes. I refused his amorous approach on a lone deserted road he'd picked out to drive in. Much earlier at 5pm++ near 6, he'd smsed me his fantasy. Frankly speaking, that wasnt a hard fantasy to act out. I can easily do it. But prob is, I wldnt wanna just DO IT (you know wat I mean) with anybody. I'm not exclusive to him. I dun wanna be as yet cos i dun see this relationship leading anywhere. I wanna save all my special moments with my ultimate dearest. Not him. He dun seemed so and all the MORE after that outburst. So I msg back, "That's a nice one. Not too difficult. But not today Kaka..."

"Oh how come? Disappointed lei."

"So how come not today?" came this follow-up when I didnt reply him.

He had told me of his plans to meet up that Tuesday (09/01/07). Then that evening at 5.42pm came his sms: "Wanna meet me today? Say about 9?" There after I told him I needa go to the hospital to go see a friend. To which his reply was, "Shame. Let me know when you're done. I'm flexible. 9 plus would be good." (Gosh. Isn't this just abt the timing he'd planned initially? What leeway did he give AT ALL? What flexiblity is there? Perhaps you'd understand more if I continued)

Then at abt 9pm. I was done with the visit and called him. He told me he was at home and very tired after knowing the place where i was at was kinda far. I told him, well Imma at the mrt, I can always take a train down to wherever is convenient for him. So he said he's gotta see if he cld make it out in the end. So I asked him can you confirm? I've gotta either take a train back home (I've got another long journey by bus after this) or in the direction he needed me to go. So he's told me to go home. Final.

Then at about 9pm++ when I had just alighted the mrt to want to take on a long bus journey trip home, he smsed me this, "Ok. Think i can come out. Can i meet you at XXX mrt then?" What? Just as I had condemned that this was the end of yet another day and was preparing to retire. "Make it ten?"

I arrived at the destinated place we're sup to meet. He was 20 min late but he'd covered his grounds well at the appointed time by sending me an sms that says "Shit. Took a wrong turn." I wondered how true that was. I mean to say it may be, then again it may be not. I mean c'mon, how much had we communicate? How long had we really been together?

Then when I rejected his advances, he was furious with me. Absolutely FURIOUS. So do you mean to tell me all you came out for was to get amorous with me? "Yes! but not all the time right? Look, when did we ever do it on our last few occasions?"

But pls take into acct that you tried to do so on each and everyone of those last occasions. Yup. Tried is the word. You didnt even ASK for god's sake & tried launching into actions immediately! And now you're lamenting abt ya lack of it? If there's give and take in a relationship, that is taking already. Having been there with you does NOT give you the tix to it all the time. Expecting such would be taking in a relationship. It puts pressures on me to give in to you. But I know that if i do give in, i wld be just another unprincipaled me building unrealistic fantasy on your vague grounds of Love.

You were driving and roaring, "Yup. Talk! Talk all you want now! I'm listening!" Hell like you cld take in my words now that you're so angry. How cld that be so when even during normal occasions you're pressed for time to go off and all that I can see is you paying lip services to me and distracting me with ya things to share with me abt ya son, things you needa do etc. And like I'd always said, if you can spare your precious 15 min to do ya "act" before you needa go off, why cant you spare a sincere 5 min to listen out to me, gimme ya heart when doing so and really AND sincerely taking mah words in? You cldn't, cld you? *disppointed*

"The reason why XX and I broke up was becos of sex! You know that!"

But did you know the reason why i was in trouble with my ex was also becos of that? Did you know my hesitant for sex with you was due to this reason? My ex and I had a lot of sexual chemistry but I dun want it to be just that and poor communication.

You didnt know this right? It's not becos i hv a low libido. I do crave as well but i curbed myself that day purposefully. U didnt realize this at all right? And right, you're gonna blame me again for not telling you when then again, I've been trying to let you get to know me by talking. But we cld never come to this topic. Cuz I dun feel secure enuff that wat i'd said wld matter to you. All the while when ur shooing me for pressed time.

I know you're tired that day. I can see it in your face. I appreciate how much you took time out to come and see me. But not being exclusive to you and the knowledge that you came out only for a good romp, I cant bring myself to do it to you without having the feelings of being in a fling. I dun want flings. Nor do i want a bonk partner till a better one comes along. I'm not like that.

And without fail each time, you'd asked me to do it without condom, did you ever spare a tot for me? You knew I had a shotgun marriage. Did you think I wld ever wanna repeat this cycle again? Did you know then how much it matter to me then? Bet those never crossed ya mind! And the reasons why i dun wanna commit to an exclusive relationship was becos i take my relationship seriously. dead serious and when i commit, i do. I dun give empty promises. Not like what you said u want a girlfriend & wanna take care of me, and then after you claimed you're not so sure of relationships yaself and then now proclaiming that you didnt want a permanent girlfriend in the first place!? So wat was i to you? Why did you never declare that to me? That i was ya "unperm gf". The thing I'd hate the most is people leading me on and if you'd just want a bonk mate pls do not lead me on with all ya words that you "cared" cos ya actions does not tally with what you've said. (oh ya right... which smart guy wld wanna reveal that?) Most of the things done are to ya favour. It's not that i cannot understand ya hectic schedule, but i hv the most uncanny feelings that the reason why i was ever scheduled in at all for a meet-up was for ya pleasure - sex. Oh well, when times we're not doing it, it's in hopes to conjure enuff atmosphere leading to it, yeah, when we meet. Well even though basically there's nothing wrong with wanting it in itself (it's not that i dun ustand) but I dun like the way how you think listening to me in a haphazardly manner is gonna meet mah so call "emotional needs" (how cliché!)!? My other normal friends can do so betta!

Just tell me, how do I reciprocate needs that are not met to yours?

I think fundamentally, we hv communication problems. That's it. I ustand ya point (abt ya cracks in marriage), but I just simply cant bring myself to tide you over while there's a serious mismatch in what i want which you didnt fulfill.

Kk, enuff said abt Mr R. Yesterday, I had a miss call from my ehtb at abt 10.30pm. I looked at his number on my phone and tot abt him. Had he missed me again? Did he call to want to hear my voice? I dialled his number.

"Hello, xx you're looking for me?"

"Oh ya! I wanna ask you abt having our kid over for Chinese New Year. I was thinking..."

So it was abt our boy. Then again, it's over between us. Nevermind that he may think of me or not. Nevermind at times I've missed him so much. I missed the way he's held and cuddled me in bed. How he'd stroke me to sleep. Nevermind that. Nevermind all that...

I dun see a future with him. Nor with R. Nor with M. Nor with yet another stupid ang mo guy (sorry, am not generalizing the caucasian specie! Just a form of label to identify who's who) I got to know over net who wanted me to make a promise to commit to him when he's miles away and chances of meet up is almost zil. How to have a relationship like that? In fact, the latter two guys I've mentioned are white and hv not even met up with them face to face at all. It's crazy. Instantaneous relationships are crazy. Dun promise love when you dunno where you're heading for. Dun want anymore unstable characters for love. And most of all, my stand is clear here, I HATE Liars! Misleading, misrepresenting and purposeful witheld of information all constitute to lying if you're thinking otherwise! Dun think that a clever change of positioning yaself is gonna make you more innocent than you actually are!

No doubt the lonely nights are hard. But I dun wanna be just another "easy" lady. I dun even want an exclusive bonking mate now. I wanna treasure myself for my ultimate one. Those who are sincerely interested in me wld be disappointed if they know I engage in such stuff. And I dun like to lie. I can always diy. LOL! *remembers all the cliché questions guys at irc always asked; yes girls do diy, so how many girls are u guys gonna ask before you can compile ya mini survey? Perhaps until you've bedded them all? Rofl*

With regards to mah previous post...

I realized those were symptoms of food poisoning, not depression.

I dun wanna be depress anyway. lemme snap outta it! Granted I may not be dat depress but i dun wanna be depress AT ALL

Didnt see a doctor. But I have recovered since ^_^

Dun want no antibiotics. Ruin ya immune system.

I wanna be happy! I wanna be healthy. I wanna go jogging!

Be free, happy and healthy! Gambate neh! 加油哦！