M & M...

Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!

So if that's the rationale, why do I not have much appetite at all?

Ask me what's mah fav food now and you'll register a "..."

I may recite the list from memory but it truly will not excite me right now.

It's like there's an invisible force behind me to eat becos I know I wont live if I dun.

Strange feelings in my stomach, dread in mah heart. Head feels heavy, yet imma not feverish nor do i even have a true headache. I simply cannot get outta bed at the regular time I shd ea day and I sleep on to dream and dream; or sometimes even nevermind if there's no dream, i just wrap myself with blanket to continue the snooze journey.

It' nothing productive at all I know it, but I just cant seem to make myself to do something productive AT ALL!

What do I want?

Love me when i least deserve it,

because that's when I really need it

- Swedish Proverb

Gosh... it's year end

Pick myself up PICK MYSELF UP!!!

Wake up early! Go jogging! Develop a healthy routine! (Can I? Am I able to?) Cos have dreamt too much dreams that brings u back to the unnecessary, irretrievable past. I dreamt of him and us all together as a family (once more) It's made me miss him, our once family. It made me yearn but I know I can't and shouldn't reach out. Have not seen him since March. I miss hugging him, having him by my side, cuddling me to sleep, stroking me to soothe my frazzled soul. And now Imma frazzled because of him, isn't that a big irony?

Cant rmb what I've dreamt and prolly I shd stop being so hung up abt ea and every detail of my dream and instead, focus on my REAL life. I am depress, I know it. And I try not to show. I deny it to my superior, my friends and my colleagues. I fake that Imma ok in front of my child and my maid and my family members. Nanny lives too far away from me (no doubt this is Singapore). Am so tired, really. Been forcing myself to go out with friends I knew for the first time and newly acquired friends, cos I know if I dun go out with em, I wont get outta my house at all. Not that my house is that cosy in da first place. it's more of like hole for me to well up. My stuff are getting more and more messy by the day...

*Lethargic* Is there any switch on mah body to flip me on?

After careful tots...

I dun think I want another reckless guy... Mr R, I dun think ur for meh.

He does hv his sweet lil ways (caring) but most times, he's rather scattered-minded, self-centered (as in his own pleasures first, does things at his own convenience and in his favour rather than considering others; may turn out to be rather calculative - keeping scores on stuff he think he's "sacrificed" when that's hardly what a partner might want fr him), big-headed (may be termed as confident & self-assured but in this context here, it's of a negative nature when he just push what he THINKS you need to you without double-checking) and brusque. He reminds me a lot of my ex, though he has a stable job at least and supports his family all by himself. Well, taken into consideration his difficult experience in this 1st marriage, I think he'll hv a lot more to expect fr me, yet at the same time given his lack of sensitivity to my predicaments and feelings, I dun think he's for me (no doubt, horoscope wise, zodiac wise, he's a perfect match! Well, logically speaking, we cant use that as sole gauge right? Though I've been almost driven up the wall to believe all kinds of superstition)

I've got to keep a distance from him from now on, cos he's getting too physical for my own good. I do like his forthrightness and his heat but based on past exp, this kinda move would seem to fizzle out over time...

I'd rather a guy who ain't that touchy in the first place (shows respect for me as well) and build up passion as the relationship progress (Mr A?)

Am still on the lookout anyway. Few more years before I turn 32. The age which the fortune-teller's advised meh, after which would be rather difficult for me to get married.

I still yearn for a loving family you know...

The Go-Getter

I like to dance - just perhaps need more practice and confidence in this area, i like to hear pop songs, jazz and watever to my liking when i hear it, i like to walk, i like to run, i like to trek n explore, i love the beach, like to collect seashells, like the waves n love the horizons, i love movies, love to read manga n self-improvement books, i like to drive, i like to doll up and look pretty, i like to model n to own great pictures of myself for memorance, i like to deejay n to interact with my fans, i like to write my own column n articles, i like to blog, i like to volunteer n help the less fortunate, i like to ask a lot of questions n to find out more, i like to create moods n events for my family, i like to capture every milestone of my family's achievement n honour them, i like swimming, i like to go into the field of psychology, i like someone whom i can build my love, concerns upon, but who truly deserve such a great me...

My LOVE

I've came to realize that sometimes the ideal man u paint out to be (in real life of such personality) tend not to embody the other more important but less visible qualities you desire and need. It's sorta like you cant hv your cake and eat it too.

E.g. If he's more brilliant n enjoys basking in the attention he creates, he tends not to be that emphatic to your needs (tuning in to MY needs in MY way when I NEED IT THE MOST).

So it's an either or situation that you need to be very clear abt n choose wat is the best for you ultimately...

Mr. Right - His Personality

What are you really looking for?
Your ideal match is ambitious, enigmatic and loves being in the spotlight. He has a way with being in front of people, and he enjoys watching himself in action. Chances are he has a bevy of friends and he thrives knowing how much others appreciate him. On top of this, he's a go-getter, and really shines when he's under pressure. - Mr R, this is you.




What do people see in you?
You're perceptive, kind and analytical. You don't like to think of things on just a surface level, and you can be unusually introspective. You can be a little self-critical at times, but you're a thoughtful, gentle spirit - this is me in my withdrawn phase...


Mr. Right - His Sex Life

Who's the right match for you sexually?
Your ideal sexual partner is a very passionate person who knows how to fully enjoy sex. He has a highly active sex drive and imagination when it comes to trying new sexual moves. And these characteristics set him up for having intense and pleasurable sexual encounters that bring him much satisfaction -- even if they don't include orgasm. More than most people, he knows how to value the pleasures of sexuality and is not afraid to pursue those feelings when the timing is right.


You - Your Sex Life

What's your sexual type?
You're a very passionate person who knows how to fully enjoy sex. You have a highly active sex drive and imagination when it comes to trying new sexual moves. And these characteristics set you up for having intense and pleasurable sexual encounters that bring you much satisfaction -- even if the focus isn't on orgasm. More than most people, you know how to value the pleasures of sexuality and are not afraid to pursue those feelings when the timing is right

Done as of 14/11/06 at www.tickle.com

Relax cos that's the only thing left to do; getting uptight leads to exhaustion; have faith

In Lahoul, the Himalayan valley where I lived, sometimes in the summer the shepherd would come up with his sheep and wander by or settle out in the meadow below the cave. At one time perhaps the shepherd was sick or he had something else to do, anyway a boy came up with the sheep, instead of the usual shepherd. And this quite young boy had obviously never done this before and he was very nervous. He probably thought if he lost a single sheep, he'd be walloped. So he was very careful not to lose any sheep.

He was in the meadow below my cave and I was watching him. And all day long, he kept the sheep very close together, and drove them here, then he drove them there, then he drove them there, then he drove them here, the whole day. So by the end of the day, the sheep were extremely nervous, they hadn't had anything to eat and they were exhausted. And the poor shepherd was also exhausted, because he spent the whole day driving them around and making sure that they didn't escape. And then they went down the hill, all of them extremely tired out from a very wearying day.

The next day, the old shepherd came back. He put the sheep in the same meadow and then he climbed to a little hillock that overlooked it. He had a bottle of beer and he just lay in the sun with his beer. The sheep scattered around and grazed and he kept his eye on them. At the end of the day, he rounded them up and took them back.

Extract from "Three Teachings" by Tenzin Palmo.

Do what you have to do and relax and everything would be alright...

I want to make this a reality

To be able to ferry my kid and maid to wherever we wanna go: zoo trip, picnic at beach, grocery-shopping etc.

To be able to drive to ferry my dad out for dinners & meals.

To be able to bring Nanny out for shopping in my car.

To be able to drive my friends around for leisure. Enjoy the blast of music in my car.

To be able to get out of home driving by myself when I need chilling.

That nostalgic feel of driving out in the dark, cold night, yet feeling safe, protected and warm in car.