About Finding Love

Finding your Soul Mate

Why it's wise to temper your feelings and take things slowly

Why do men and women fall head over heels in love with people they barely know - and why does this common occurrence fail to work most times? Members of the Mars Venus Message Board often share stories of meeting people and after a very short amount of time, report feeling like they have met their soul mate. While this scenario does work out for some couples, more often than not, instant relationships fizzle as quickly as they begin. This leaves people feeling hurt, bewildered and uncertain about their prospect of finding love in the future.

In this all-too-common dating scenario, there are a few common blueprints for this type of relationship:

1. A couple meets and there is instant chemistry. Very often there is a strong sexual connection and the couple may act on this on the first few dates. This causes the intimate connection to feel instantly stronger. This couple may feel that they are in love after only 2 or 3 dates.

2. A couple begins dating and the initial connection is felt more strongly by one person in the relationship. This person often takes the role of the pursuer and they work very hard in the beginning to "convince" their new date that this relationship has potential. Often the pursuer will say things like, "we're meant to be" or that the "connection they feel is special, unique and doesn't happen very often." The pursued, who doesn't feel the same spark but is honestly looking for love, may overlook their reservations and take a risk and jump into the relationship.

These instant relationships become problematic when the chemistry fades or the illusion passes. Sometimes these feelings start to fade as the relationship deepens, but more often than not, one person abruptly comes to the realization that the initial sense of "intimacy" was nothing more than an illusion. For the new couple, the person who has the "realization" begins to pull away, poof, disappears or simply becomes less interested. For the person who is "unaware of the change" is often left feeling confused and bewildered about what went wrong.

After a few bad experiences like this one, many people fear they will never find their soul mate. Some even give up hope and stop looking all together.

The cure for the instant relationship is time. Real love takes time to grow and needs trust and understanding to help it reach its full potential. Although you may find yourself strongly attracted after a few dates, it is important to reflect upon your feelings and be careful not to move too fast. The foundations of real love take time. Be honest with yourself when determining if your feelings are anything more than just a crush.

Consider Dr. John Gray's assertion that we all have 200 soul mates. Some of these "instant relationships" are in fact soul mates of yours, but they were not the kind of soul mate that last a lifetime.

How can you prepare yourself for the instant soul mate trap? Here are a few ideas from the Ask Mars Venus Coaches:

· Listen to your gut reactions. If it feels too good to be true, slow down.

· Remember that being intimate causes emotions to rise to the surface - the deeper you walk into a relationship, the greater your potential for getting hurt.

· If you have a history of "instant relationships" you're likely to be a magnet for this type of relationship in the future. Talking with a coach can help teach you the skills to recognize when you're headed in this direction.

· It's important to get in touch with your own relationship goals, and your true feelings about meeting your soul mate. For many people as they begin to feel less confident about finding love, the more likely they are to be attracted to an "instant partner."

· Remember that fear is a powerful motivator. If your fears about not finding love are in control or even directing your behavior, then you may be acting in ways that will deter you from finding love.

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And my love is definitely not him. He reminds me of J no.1, come to think of it now... :S Beginning to find disparities in interests & likes.

The initial connection is felt more strongly by one person in the relationship. This person often takes the role of the pursuer and they work very hard in the beginning to "convince" their new date that this relationship has potential. Often the pursuer will say things like, "we're meant to be" or that the "connection they feel is special, unique and doesn't happen very often." The pursued, who doesn't feel the same spark but is honestly looking for love, may overlook their reservations and take a risk and jump into the relationship.

Damn right... the above is so true for me... even if it occur only over the net in less than a fortnight.

Then is it wrong of me armed now with this new (unlearned & re-learned) knowledge to continue seeking solace from him? I need some kinda comfort...