I am feeling lethargic again today...

Yest, a guy held my hand. Well I guess he isnt the usual frivolous guy *not tt I mix ard with those kind a lot* so I was very afraid to lead him on. Anyway, he's found out yest tt I hv been married and hv a son. To my surprise, he actually said he would like to help take care of my son. In my mind, I was thinking, "this is madness!" I mean, I really dunno.. perhaps I hadnt date since many years or most likely, I m so so so very afraid of history repeating itself. I dunno him very well & it's been like the 3rd meet-up with him before he's asked me to be his gf. I tot it was all too fast & too superficial.

I am so very afraid of being in love.. though of cos I cant say I love him at all *luff* But it's been a while since I've been close to anyone of the opposite sex. I miss all those intimate moments too. But? LOL

Lifestyle wise, I think he seemed kinda boring up front. He's so passive, behaves like a monotone. I dun find him a turn off though.. this is very important to me I guess *perhaps in terms of intimate combustion ha! Havent been intimate with anyone for ages LOL!* But since my marriage, I m not gonna let chemistry just rule my heart this time cos I think living together wise would be on a total different scale. And I've just managed to get out of an emotional rut with my ehtb, y should I hurriedly submerge myself into another *potential harmful heart-wretching* relationship without looking right & left?

Well, if he is that decent & "nice", I wld be sorry to put it across tt all I am looking for is a non-commital relationship in which both parties wld still hv the rights to date around. I guess the main point is "I dun wanna be too SERIOUS". 1st of all, he doesnt seem to hv the pre-requisite requirements to support a family comfortably. He is not tt gentlemenly & seems to scrooge. He seems to be too clingy to mum. He cant even afford to go home late *tt's the best part =.=''* So... he's not even a domestic partner material to start with.

Wat I am upset now is, he now knows abt my status as a single mum & worse still, offers to help. Is it sincere? If it is, it hurts cos I know I cant reciprocate. To make things more complicated, I've also been trying to woo him... *nah dun get me wrong* as a client.

I want intimacy.. but not commitment.. but not just with any guy.. esp frivolous type.. but yet I want total freedom.. dun wanna be answerable to any form of possesion or jealousy *am sick of all that unfair commitment on my part*.. can all this be done?

I feel so dead today. Is like, am so close to feeling those kind of warmth all over again but I dun wanna mislead ppl. I dun feel like waking up. That is why i'd only woke up at abt 1.40pm. Had to cancel an appt with an ex-colleague. In fact, I virtually dun feel like doing anything at all. Eating seems mundatory without any joy of tasting again. I had to force myself to paint my finger nails. Then I just laze on the sofa with that dead fish look in my eyes...

But if anything, like I'd always said.. if I can actually make it to my computer to blog abt what I felt, I am fine to at least tt extent.