Shakespear in Love

Wow... it's been so long since i've last blog over here.

At abt half past nine, i sent w an sms. when there was no reply within the next 10 min, i had given up hope he wld ever reply me at all. then at 11.25pm, i received an sms fr him asking after me and my work. realli hope that he's well. hvnt contact him for so long and wondered if we'd ever hv a chance to meet up again. wonder if he's avoiding me at all? and then in his next sms, he's asked who was i. for a moment, i tot he realli had decided to write me off his list. as i wished him happy birthday in my next sms wo revealing who i was, he followed up with an sms that he'd changed his phone and lost a lot of numbers. hmm... i wonder if he's telling the truth at all for i hadnt known him very well and only met up with him twice almost 2 months ago. he'd touched me in a strange way but i was averting him becos my mind was with another guy i had fixated on as i had known him earlier. anyway, the other guy & i didnt amt much to anything either. and with my bad exp with my exh & my ex-mum-in-law, i am really taking wat people say esp of guys with a pinch of salt. anyway, dear w, really hope ur doing ok...

i still hadnt reply him who i was. wld he hv guessed? well then, keep guessing ;p

Went to 7-11 just now at abt close to past midnite. It was drizzling outside, the air was cool and crisp and smell of rain... just the way i like it. The pavement right in frt of my block rather was devoid of people as i glanced out there. Searching for my big lavendar brolly, i brought my little pouch and keys and walked my way to 7-11.

This rain... this air... this night... really reminded me when i was with my exh then. We were watching "Shakespear in Love" by Gwenyth Paltrow when we heard a consistent mewing sound amidst the drizzling rain. Shakespear in Love... that song is oh so catchy! i love it. anyway, in the end, armed with torchlight and after i had grabbed my ash-blue cardigan with hood, we went down our block with umbrella to check things out. Turned out that there was a kitten trapped within the drain. As my exh tried to pull up that metal grille cover for the drain, the kitty darted away to another part of the drain. it was doubtful and fearful of my exh. And while trying to rescue the kitty, my exh slipped and fell on his tailbone. As the kitty had shrunk away to some place further, my exh muttered a curse under his breathe and decided to stop the "rescue". All the while, i was huddling within my cardigan while skipping to and fro to where my exh was trying to do his "rescue" and holding up the flashlight for him. i felt warm in spite of the rain. it was nice to hv my then husband ard... to watch a vcd movie with him, and in spite of the rain, we hv a house... a shelter over our head... i hv my cardigan to keep me warm, and him to embrace shd i need some human warmth. A single catchy tune rung in my head over and over again after watching that movie. happiness was such for me. i did not ask for more becos to me those were enuff. him taking the initative to want to save the cat and refusing to let me do any of it shows the kindness & compassion i love, the emotional n physical dependency i need. i felt so loved.

Yea... it is all these few little moments that i hold dear to my heart that made me rough out all the toughest parts of our years. alas... all those good moments were either fleeting or just an illusion. hence, we're no longer together.

on my way to 7-11... i tot of you once more. we shd hv already been officially divorced by now? am just waiting for the final absolute decree de nisi. hvnt check my letterbox for a few weeks since i've moved though. haha.

at 7-11, i looked out for what's the topmost crave on my mind: dried mango and dove chocolate! i found the dried mango almost immediately but didnt see dove chocolate in its usual place. hence i turned round & round the display shelves of goodies, wondering wat else to get. in the end, i got my dried mango, dried seaweed in a whole big sheet, 7-11 club sandwich, mini pack of amos cookies and finally a small tube of toberlone. my total bill amts up to $10.15 tks to my self-indulgent titbit obsession. in fact at times, i eat for the sake of eating (these titbits esp) even when i know i'm full. but i cant stop, cos something in me drives me to wanna finish up all my snack stuff at one go, almost in a vengeful way. at times, i do realized it's becos of the certain rage i carry within me, my wanting to escape by focussing on my snacking. a lucky thing though was that with depression comes my lack of monetary funds and hence i scrimp on food. otherwise, with all my binge snacking, i wld hv ballooned to a grotesque size by now. though it aint a healthy lifestyle, i'm lucky to still look slim & pretty.

and when i'm really down, i can dun bathe for days. My record was a straight 4 days. Dun worry... i aint as depress as the last time. I'm just esp stress that's all and hv this inclination to a lil depression. hey c'mon man, gimme some little space to let it out lest i go crazy. n unless u can be so really understanding to give that care n concern i need wo judging or despising me (may i cry on ur shoulder then? not once or twice but every now & then? nah... just kidding!), i think i'd do better with some solitude. i think most of the people i care for wld hv shook their heads at me if they knew. they might even get tired of me facing the same prob that i bravely forged a front to reassure em tt i'm ok. i stashed and hid myself fr their views. it's ok if u dun ustand. just continue to be nice k? 我不要你们看见我狼狈的样子。though i'd prolly need so much more concern, care & assurance, in this fast paced world, i'd ustand & try not to bother anyone much.

just read "theupbeatdivorce" blog. came by her blog by chance somewhere early last year when i just abt started this blog. hvnt check on her blog for quite a while. she had changed the layout & skin of her blog. Am so glad that jenn has moved on to dating after her divorce. she seems like one of the coolest mum ard, really devoting herself to her darling daughter in all the big and small affairs pertaining to her. she's now arranging some photo shoots for her 3 year old. I'm sorry darling son. ur way older than her and i've not done such for u. of cos, we shdnt compare... but... pray gimme the courage for me to face all these alone without dread & terror. pray.

her links: cute boy alert
flip side of coin, i want, photo session, i survived hell i thrived


with love to all.